That is stupidity as they may say…for not having learned my lesson...still didn’t get it despite looking at what could be a bitter reality from what I used to choose to believe things are. This blood-pumping organ is temporarily sheltered and is taking advantage of whatever respite it can get from any form of unwanted torment. This allowed me rest and what seemed to be pretense happiness…mentally and emotionally…saving enough of (the rest) me come the inevitable storm. This allowed me to live a day after another as if I am in world far from the real.
But, this pause is in time playing as life continues to buffer. Unfortunately, this life offers no stops (unless we’re six feet under), no rewinds (if there is, I would’ve gone back), no fast forwards (if there is, I would’ve opted to play at every happy part). But this cannot be this way for a long time no matter how I wanted to keep it that way. Too bad that this life is just equated with inevitable things and circumstances no matter how amount of care is justified.
Yes, I have to. I have to keep myself strong from getting to that point where refusal wouldn’t do much of help but rather acceptance. And acceptance is the hardest part of all. It’s not easy being in a waiting mode, as I’ve always been, where I need to draw the line between continuing believing and not, hoping and not, then tell myself (with some poking in the head required) ‘this is it’, ‘it’s enough’, ‘wake up!’
I have read a famous book a long time ago but the message about dreaming and reaching for that dream has always imbibed in my memory. Simply stated, it says that if you really want something or someone in your life, you must go for it and in that direction because the universe will conspire with you to get it. Indeed, the universe had worked conspiracy with me many times, even if I look back before I’ve read that book. I have always experienced being in this scenario and associated it with the writer’s wisdom even if I need not to because I have always believed in God’s workings instead of the universe’s. But this has nothing to do with my faith. Believing in such wisdom is not bad at all.
However, this ‘universe-conspiracy’ theory doesn’t work to me this time. It won’t always be in your side even if you are going and pushing hard in what could be the right direction. We don’t always get what we want because that something or someone we want is not meant to be ours.
This is all I can say (in general). There are earthly things in this life, no matter how much you desire for it won’t be yours. There’s that someone, no matter how much you prayed for him/her, wouldn’t be yours, and so, that f***ing four-letter word that stupidly grows without watering remains unspoken, untold even unrequited to some extent.
(Yeah, I know this is soooo corny!)
