Just babbling -- so pay no attention!
Hate when not being able to put emotions into words
Not because I can't but because it makes no sense.
Sad not being able to express hurt than tears
within my heart's confines
'Cause eyes couldn't cry no more.
For having no right to be mad at the situation
For having no right to get mad at who
For the indifference and insensitiveness
For falling for the wrong person at the right time
Or was it rather the right person at the wrong time?
For all the lies and cowardice
For dying to know the truth but not being able to ask
And not able to tell the other part of the truth
For not having the strength to accept what is unpleasant
For the gap and distance
There's no way to rebuild a bridge that once was burned down
For not being able to say sorry that's enough to be forgiven
For not knowing his heart
For being blind about the future
That there will be no future after all
For him who doesn't know much
Who doesn't care and realize how strong can be that love
Too late to realize
Too broken to mend
'Sorry' would never be enough
Not knowing what's enough
For hating the one you once have loved
Being hated for who you were not
Not able to speak to someone who doesn't listen
What it used to be will seem only a memory
Part of the past, never will be a present, future the more
For the pain i needlessly endure to grave (this is too much!)
Loss of someone who never once mine
Forgetting -- a daily struggle
Brooding over the past that should have long been buried in the abyss
Memories recur uninvited
Yet total abandonment never conceded
Hoping means 'hoping against hoping'
No place for every vivid for a make-believer
Swooned with denial
A promise broken
A promise of finding way back
All unfaithfully ungranted
A love that perhaps was never love at all
But never knowing what it was then
If it wasn't at all.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Nostalgia
(Pophine, Laarni, Mohn, Mace and Arvin -- behind the cam! heheh)
Posing while waiting for limousine. I miss this kind of afternoon bonding.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
One quiet day
I couldn't come out from my bed. My mind is so unwilling. Why the sudden change of mind? I was only supposed to go to office late (thanks to babaita's long absence--by this, we can always come after or leave before the usual hour) but found myself assaulted (yet again) by my enemy -- laziness. Isn't this so familiar? Surely, it isn't like a good momentum to start swinging.
My roommates move past their usual business, as I tend to my own which is, of course, to sleep as if it's a normal weekend. But hey, the week is not even going to be over! Wake up, wake up! Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'm not sick. I'm feeling just fine. I'm just pretending to be, in case somebody in the office would care to ask. And I can't think of any other better excuse. So, please excuse me!
Now, I'm alone. And happy to have this privilege to be alone. I've wanted to spend sometime alone, in a silent and cozy place, away from my daily hassle. I even thought of looking for some retreat house here in dubai (like lots in the phils) where I could spend the whole day, not necessarily praying, but just sitting in meditation. I just recently learned and realized the difference between meditating and praying. In praying, you talk to your listener. While in meditation, you are listening to your own mind and heart in silence.
Well, at least I find the room untypically quiet now. But, cozy? Don't even think twice. It always has been a messy room (iron on the bed, hangers everywhere, unfolded blankets scattered on bed-- mine #1) that, like a hard disk on a computer, needs some kind of defragmentation. But at the moment, this would do. I only need some sweeping the fallen hair particles off the floor.
I lay a towel on the floor (couldn't find a proper mat) then sit in cross-legged position (simplest yoga position, i think), hands placed above the limbs between lower and upper legs, then start closing my eyes.
I try to feel the silence for a moment then suddenly feel eerie. My mind is uncooperative to concentrate. It's weird. I haven't really tried this before that's why I was not anticipating for a successful attempt. My mind couldn't even finally choose a time, place or memory to begin with. All I could see is that my mind is in a battlefield where phases of my own memory try to overlap with each other. I couldn't contain it, otherwise I will explode in exhaustion. With optimism, I try to give it another shot but to no avail. I can't really concentrate. Do I ever know how to meditate? Do I ever know how to listen to my own heart? I wonder why some people were so expert in this kind of transcendental journey. I really gotta learn. I want someone to teach me how to do it properly. It's not that all easy I thought it would be.
I close my eyes once again. Shift to more comfortable position. But this time, I start talking instead (I mean not talking like an insane person.) This is what I love doing, but never doing it anyway as much as I would love to and should have to. I guess, it's always the enemy's fault.
By the way, today is my father's birthday, a very old age at 75. The course of my talking resonates every part of him. Better health. Longer life. Happiness. Forgiveness. Love. Simply long live!!!
My roommates move past their usual business, as I tend to my own which is, of course, to sleep as if it's a normal weekend. But hey, the week is not even going to be over! Wake up, wake up! Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'm not sick. I'm feeling just fine. I'm just pretending to be, in case somebody in the office would care to ask. And I can't think of any other better excuse. So, please excuse me!
Now, I'm alone. And happy to have this privilege to be alone. I've wanted to spend sometime alone, in a silent and cozy place, away from my daily hassle. I even thought of looking for some retreat house here in dubai (like lots in the phils) where I could spend the whole day, not necessarily praying, but just sitting in meditation. I just recently learned and realized the difference between meditating and praying. In praying, you talk to your listener. While in meditation, you are listening to your own mind and heart in silence.
Well, at least I find the room untypically quiet now. But, cozy? Don't even think twice. It always has been a messy room (iron on the bed, hangers everywhere, unfolded blankets scattered on bed-- mine #1) that, like a hard disk on a computer, needs some kind of defragmentation. But at the moment, this would do. I only need some sweeping the fallen hair particles off the floor.
I lay a towel on the floor (couldn't find a proper mat) then sit in cross-legged position (simplest yoga position, i think), hands placed above the limbs between lower and upper legs, then start closing my eyes.
I try to feel the silence for a moment then suddenly feel eerie. My mind is uncooperative to concentrate. It's weird. I haven't really tried this before that's why I was not anticipating for a successful attempt. My mind couldn't even finally choose a time, place or memory to begin with. All I could see is that my mind is in a battlefield where phases of my own memory try to overlap with each other. I couldn't contain it, otherwise I will explode in exhaustion. With optimism, I try to give it another shot but to no avail. I can't really concentrate. Do I ever know how to meditate? Do I ever know how to listen to my own heart? I wonder why some people were so expert in this kind of transcendental journey. I really gotta learn. I want someone to teach me how to do it properly. It's not that all easy I thought it would be.
I close my eyes once again. Shift to more comfortable position. But this time, I start talking instead (I mean not talking like an insane person.) This is what I love doing, but never doing it anyway as much as I would love to and should have to. I guess, it's always the enemy's fault.
By the way, today is my father's birthday, a very old age at 75. The course of my talking resonates every part of him. Better health. Longer life. Happiness. Forgiveness. Love. Simply long live!!!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Second year in Dubai
May 17, 2009
Today marks my second year in Dubai. Nothing is extraordinary. Didn’t know what to expect. Today, I am bound to do my usual routine. It is just another day for my shameless yawning due to boredom, except for some feigning act of work and practically another day for waiting for some sign that ‘arbour’ is still alive and yes, we still can keep our jobs.
Two years was long enough I thought I could stay in this company (dubai group) then jump to another level, probably higher. Yet, short enough, to have been able to convince myself to return home already affluent. But, yes, life is not all about having the most lucrative job in the world or being rich. It’s something more than this, I suppose.
Perhaps this page contains a recap of those things that happened and did not happen in my second year in Dubai (as in my first year blog sounded like). But I thought nothing really much I considered eventful in a satisfying way. I guess I am more drawn to writing my thoughts which you will read in the succeeding paragraphs.
Late last year, recession started lurking (again? why am I so fond about this topic?). From then on, it has become my constant enemy. Is it fair to put blame to it why things got screwed up in just the blink of an eye? Admittedly, recession has its positive side. It deserves a little credit for reminding me to be conscious on my little indulgencies, that is. No room for wasting a single penny ‘cause we never know what will happen worse future comes.
Two years of the so-called training in this company was supposed to be enough to be eligible for L1 (by the way, L1 is the visa needed to be able to legally work in the US on a long-term basis, easier and faster way than H1B). Technically, it’s only one year, save allowances for months of purely reading, trying to grasp the eccentric nature why this kind of company came into existence. That was then, of course, now it’s clear to me. That also includes, getting familiarized with terms like script, different kinds of protocols, other terms commonly used in our language, etc. and not handling actual projects.
So, we have L1 forms filled-up, extremely conscious of any missed out information, grammar gone awry and unforgivable mistakes on spelling. Otherwise, it’s a real turn off to the eyes of whoever reviewing them and likely hit straight to the trash. All needed supporting documents were furnished such as diploma, TOR and other academic credentials, including certificates of trainings and skill-enhancing activities attended, to which I have little to show (poor me, haha!). All of these in one package were submitted first to our lawyers, the process I have no previous knowledge of.
Everything I followed as told. But already having the knowledge of how badly the events have turned in the country, to which our visa was applied, I had little, if none, expectation for some encouraging results. I just let it flow according to the tide and said ‘come what may’. And true to my doubts and instinct, we received a negative feedback from our lawyers in just a matter of weeks. Yes, from our lawyers, which means that our applications did not even reach the hands of the embassy.
Accordingly, the probability that our applications get denied is too high, gambling is not an option. Once denied, I’m not sure after how many years in waiting for you to be able to re-apply. I fully understand now how the recession crippled our career path like some kind of a disease (as it had already been with ‘arbour’, hehe.) Why would people like us be allowed to work in their country, where thousands of Americans instantly lost jobs from companies closing down due to recession? Why would they hire foreign employees, when they must employ jobless locals first? Of course they needed more aid than us, rightfully. These are but some of the realities we face, of which there’s little we can do and no one to get mad at whom, including (or, excluding) my boss. A mountain of effort is needed to be able to persuade, convince or prove our worth that what we can offer are so specialized skills, they barely find from their people. But of course, we all know, this is hardly the case. I was suddenly struck with the realization that having this company as a back-up doesn’t necessarily give you an easy pass.
Two years had gone so far. So far I barely can look back with precise memory. In the span of two years, some of my perspectives in life suddenly turned to some degree, but does that equate to maturity? There’s a feeling of having to be more responsible to myself and life, in general ‘cause life after all is what we make it. I’ve become more anxious about what life awaits in my future, in all aspects that can be. This litany of weary thoughts could go on and on at this quarter-life.
But, at this point in my life I’m open to say that it is where I mostly find my peace and have learned to accept who I really am, in my immense limitations and prohibitive incapability. PerfectNESS, including a perfect happiness, fulfillment, and contentment can never ever be achieved ‘cause there is no such thing no matter how we try. I am not in an elating state of bliss but I chose to be happy, rather than hollow in misery. It is only with acceptance as the key to the patterns of this life, can we be able to move our lives on and along the way, learn to appreciate those little things that amount to joy, if not ignored.
And lastly, in the span of two years of newfound solitude and independence from my real family, I’ve never been this strong, that it was a miracle I’ve hurdled this far. This gift of strength that arose in me a mighty warrior is worth my life of thanksgiving and praise for my God, who was, is and will be my sole God, my all and everything.
Today marks my second year in Dubai. Nothing is extraordinary. Didn’t know what to expect. Today, I am bound to do my usual routine. It is just another day for my shameless yawning due to boredom, except for some feigning act of work and practically another day for waiting for some sign that ‘arbour’ is still alive and yes, we still can keep our jobs.
Two years was long enough I thought I could stay in this company (dubai group) then jump to another level, probably higher. Yet, short enough, to have been able to convince myself to return home already affluent. But, yes, life is not all about having the most lucrative job in the world or being rich. It’s something more than this, I suppose.
Perhaps this page contains a recap of those things that happened and did not happen in my second year in Dubai (as in my first year blog sounded like). But I thought nothing really much I considered eventful in a satisfying way. I guess I am more drawn to writing my thoughts which you will read in the succeeding paragraphs.
Late last year, recession started lurking (again? why am I so fond about this topic?). From then on, it has become my constant enemy. Is it fair to put blame to it why things got screwed up in just the blink of an eye? Admittedly, recession has its positive side. It deserves a little credit for reminding me to be conscious on my little indulgencies, that is. No room for wasting a single penny ‘cause we never know what will happen worse future comes.
Two years of the so-called training in this company was supposed to be enough to be eligible for L1 (by the way, L1 is the visa needed to be able to legally work in the US on a long-term basis, easier and faster way than H1B). Technically, it’s only one year, save allowances for months of purely reading, trying to grasp the eccentric nature why this kind of company came into existence. That was then, of course, now it’s clear to me. That also includes, getting familiarized with terms like script, different kinds of protocols, other terms commonly used in our language, etc. and not handling actual projects.
So, we have L1 forms filled-up, extremely conscious of any missed out information, grammar gone awry and unforgivable mistakes on spelling. Otherwise, it’s a real turn off to the eyes of whoever reviewing them and likely hit straight to the trash. All needed supporting documents were furnished such as diploma, TOR and other academic credentials, including certificates of trainings and skill-enhancing activities attended, to which I have little to show (poor me, haha!). All of these in one package were submitted first to our lawyers, the process I have no previous knowledge of.
Everything I followed as told. But already having the knowledge of how badly the events have turned in the country, to which our visa was applied, I had little, if none, expectation for some encouraging results. I just let it flow according to the tide and said ‘come what may’. And true to my doubts and instinct, we received a negative feedback from our lawyers in just a matter of weeks. Yes, from our lawyers, which means that our applications did not even reach the hands of the embassy.
Accordingly, the probability that our applications get denied is too high, gambling is not an option. Once denied, I’m not sure after how many years in waiting for you to be able to re-apply. I fully understand now how the recession crippled our career path like some kind of a disease (as it had already been with ‘arbour’, hehe.) Why would people like us be allowed to work in their country, where thousands of Americans instantly lost jobs from companies closing down due to recession? Why would they hire foreign employees, when they must employ jobless locals first? Of course they needed more aid than us, rightfully. These are but some of the realities we face, of which there’s little we can do and no one to get mad at whom, including (or, excluding) my boss. A mountain of effort is needed to be able to persuade, convince or prove our worth that what we can offer are so specialized skills, they barely find from their people. But of course, we all know, this is hardly the case. I was suddenly struck with the realization that having this company as a back-up doesn’t necessarily give you an easy pass.
Two years had gone so far. So far I barely can look back with precise memory. In the span of two years, some of my perspectives in life suddenly turned to some degree, but does that equate to maturity? There’s a feeling of having to be more responsible to myself and life, in general ‘cause life after all is what we make it. I’ve become more anxious about what life awaits in my future, in all aspects that can be. This litany of weary thoughts could go on and on at this quarter-life.
But, at this point in my life I’m open to say that it is where I mostly find my peace and have learned to accept who I really am, in my immense limitations and prohibitive incapability. PerfectNESS, including a perfect happiness, fulfillment, and contentment can never ever be achieved ‘cause there is no such thing no matter how we try. I am not in an elating state of bliss but I chose to be happy, rather than hollow in misery. It is only with acceptance as the key to the patterns of this life, can we be able to move our lives on and along the way, learn to appreciate those little things that amount to joy, if not ignored.
And lastly, in the span of two years of newfound solitude and independence from my real family, I’ve never been this strong, that it was a miracle I’ve hurdled this far. This gift of strength that arose in me a mighty warrior is worth my life of thanksgiving and praise for my God, who was, is and will be my sole God, my all and everything.
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Phoenix in me
Written o6.03.08
Originally posted to multiply
I’ve been feeling this heavy burden since last week. But, I have no choice but to give a happy facade. It’s not that I’m turning away from the root of all my predicaments, but if I let myself be shaken by the tempest, I’ll be losing my sanity.
I’ve always thought I am tough and strong in my petite figure. But, even the strongest bends. Even the toughest retreats once in a while. Behind this strong projection, lies vulnerability in me. Yes, certain situations inflicted me badly, made me weak, sad, passive and left me no option but to move on. My spirits died and vanished.
But, like a Phoenix that dies in flames and is reborn from the ashes, so do I. I will regain my spirits. I know, my faith in the Omnipotent and Omniscient being and the strength of my character are only put to test. And all of these are just part of some Divine workings to make me even stronger and wiser by the lessons painstakingly learnt along the way.
In all of these dark clouds, comes silver lining afterwards. I just have to go back to the most basic thing to do and that is prayer and surrender to the Father’s loving and comforting arms because He is in control of everything. No matter what these situations will lead me through, I won’t hold grip loosely from the mighty hands of the Supreme but hang on as tight as I can. Never give up. Always regenerating when hurt or wounded. Be invincible like a phoenix.
Originally posted to multiply
I’ve been feeling this heavy burden since last week. But, I have no choice but to give a happy facade. It’s not that I’m turning away from the root of all my predicaments, but if I let myself be shaken by the tempest, I’ll be losing my sanity.
I’ve always thought I am tough and strong in my petite figure. But, even the strongest bends. Even the toughest retreats once in a while. Behind this strong projection, lies vulnerability in me. Yes, certain situations inflicted me badly, made me weak, sad, passive and left me no option but to move on. My spirits died and vanished.
But, like a Phoenix that dies in flames and is reborn from the ashes, so do I. I will regain my spirits. I know, my faith in the Omnipotent and Omniscient being and the strength of my character are only put to test. And all of these are just part of some Divine workings to make me even stronger and wiser by the lessons painstakingly learnt along the way.
In all of these dark clouds, comes silver lining afterwards. I just have to go back to the most basic thing to do and that is prayer and surrender to the Father’s loving and comforting arms because He is in control of everything. No matter what these situations will lead me through, I won’t hold grip loosely from the mighty hands of the Supreme but hang on as tight as I can. Never give up. Always regenerating when hurt or wounded. Be invincible like a phoenix.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Wine After Ages
A taste of wine after ages. What happens to my resolution? I knew it, that's why I had crossed-fingers. Just can't resist it.
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